Take Comfort: A Tribute to Nordraka "Sonji" Williams-Burnett (Let's talk about Grief)

Another blog post was well overdue, but I had to publish it at the perfect time.

For those readers seeking recovery/ healing, welcome. For those readers here for simple understanding, welcome. We are not here to drown in hurt. We are setting a tone of gratefulness for life and celebration of what is to come.
A year ago, I received the horrible phone call while at work. I stared at my phone in confusion, because I thought I wasn’t hearing right. She had been stabbed to death.. Those words pierced straight through my heart. The pain is still inexplicable & it stings even more to know that person who did it, was someone I considered family too.

I would explain that she was a 'family friend' but that description  would not suffice. Her home was my home, and my home, hers. I have awesome childhood memories in her home. Eating chicken and rice and peas she made for me because my parents were still at work. Having her comb my hair for school. Straightening my hair for the first time. Applying my make up for my sweet sixteen. She was simply an older sister.

Anyone who knew her would say that she was extraordinary. For many, she was an Attorney, baker, fashion designer, event planner, instructor amongst other things I most likely forgot to mention. You could give her something mediocre and she would recreate it and have you in awe. To us, her family, she was just Sonji. We were so used to her awesomeness that we didn’t realize the overwhelming impact that she had made on other people's lives. And yes, she was our wonder woman, but what else could we have done to be a shoulder for her in her time of weakness?


In honor of her life, I want to share the wonderful things that she taught me:

1. Discipline 
Sonji was one of the first persons who taught me what it meant to 'be about it and not just talk about it'. I could never bring excuses to her. I had to be on time for dance practices, ready and prepared to go all out (because if we half-a** anything, she'd make us start all over lol). She immersed her heart and soul into anything to put her hands to & she set the bar for what it meant to be a dedicated and hardworking woman.

2. Perseverance 
She followed her heart and went back to school to pursue law. While in law school, not only was she pregnant, but she honored her wifely duties all while travelling four hours every weekend to teach dance classes. She was dedicated to ministry, dedicated to her family and dedicated to becoming an attorney.

3. Just BE
Like the true Gemini she was (LOL), she DID NOT care one bit if you did not like her personality. She entered a room and she was herself every single time. Always seen, always heard, theatrical, enthusiastic, energetic. She TOOK UP space. You either loved it, or you hated it. She was fearless and would challenge anyone regardless of their title. This has to be the most resounding lesson I learned from her.

For those reading this who have been affected by this loss, I hope that you take the time to  intentionally heal.  I take comfort that one day, I will see her again.

DEALING WITH GRIEF

No one truly explains to you how complex and hard grief is. In fact, I find that people get extremely uncomfortable talking about it. I’m always open to talk about the process, because you cannot simply “get over it”, nor can you make sense of it all by yourself. Let's get honest and admit that you never truly get over losing a loved one. Sometimes, you have pleasant and comforting memories, while sometimes you experience griefs in spurts. Memories can evoke emotions at any time, so allow yourself to feel and endure it. Do your best not to suppress, repress or avoid negative emotions, because it may have a psychological effect in the long run.

Keep in mind that being strong also means : feeling, grieving, crying and understanding or processing our emotions. One feeling I struggled with during this loss was resentment. However, I took time for myself this year to work through that as much as possible. Never forget that there is no one way of grieving. Your process might look different from someone else’s and we have no room to judge how happy, sad or detached someone appears. Some persons take months to find joy again & some persons take years even come to adapt to the change.

By learning to live a meaningful life, we honor the spirit of those who we have lost Loss alters your being on a soul level. It changes your perspective on the things that are important to you and it makes you more cognizant of how impactful you want your presence to be here on earth. Every loss has something to teach us: whether it is to be more present, compassionate, determined, enthusiastic about life. If we sift through our emotions and take a step back, we will understand what life is trying to teach us.

How will you honor them? Take risks! Take the trip, buy the outfit, shoot your shot. LIVE. Be obsessively grateful for every breath that you breathe. Being able to exist is a blessing in itself. Do not take living for granted. Treat your body well. You have only have one & there  are no do overs. Do not forget that you are loved, so take time to replace negative feelings with positive ones.

What ever your belief is, please hold on to it. Be comforted and remember that everyday will not be sunny, but take your own time to liberate yourself and move forward. Enjoy the simple things of life with full attention. Bask in the goodness of life. Remember that there are many persons who have experienced loss and overcame, so you have the strength to do the same. Make your days count.

Do I have space for this ?

I’m one of those persons who likes to bring as many grocery bags as I can from the car to the apartment. I clearly have an ego situation going for carrying Publix bags because even if my feeble hands are falling off, I’ll still offer to help other people with their bags too. I don’t have the strength for it, don’t have the space, yet I’m willing to strain myself to lift the burden from someone else. 

The same irony holds true to our lives. What are you making space for ? Do you even have space for it? Today, I’m cleaning my closet. I have a bad habit of hoarding, by moving over important things in my closet, to make space for those old clothes that I don’t need. 

Holding on for dear life to clothes and shoes that I have worn in over a year. 

Fortunately, I’ve taken a different approach to my own life. My life is one place I intentionally try to eradicate clutter. Your mind, body and spirit is sacred. Your temple is your responsibility. If you try to hold space for every issue, every worry & every gossip that arises, you will be burdened and have no space to hold important things for yourself. 

This goes hand in hand with self-awareness. If you don’t know who you are and what you truly care about, then you’ll easily be sucked into everyone’s lives. Time to de-clutter. 

Have you ever been that friend that everyone comes to, just to leave their emotional baggage and go ? Do you have space for that ?  

It’s okay have boundaries. It’s okay to not stretch your hands for every cry. It’s okay to value your well-being.  

I had to train my mind not to hold unnecessary space. I easily remove myself from things that could disrupt my spirit. I don’t have the space for unnecessary feelings. I have emotional intelligence, but I can’t attend to everyone’s feelings about me. It sounds harsh but if you don’t take charge of your life and your emotions, then who will ? 

If I feel like someone/something is leeching but not giving anything that’s fruitful, I remove myself because I don’t have the space. 

A temple filled with everyone else’s clutter will definitively show on the outside. It induces stress, anger and bitterness. I know everyone is planning to have a Hot-girl summer (LMAO, y’all stallions crack me up) but don’t forget to de-clutter before you do and make space for things that truly matter.

Unplug 🔌

I am not one to explain myself to others, but hopefully this post will allow someone else to remember that whatever it is that they are experiencing, they are not alone.
For those who are actually interested in my content, I have not abandoned my blog LOL. In fact, i’ve written several topics that i want to highlight. However, I needed time to get my mental state back on track.  No matter how motivated you are, you cannot continue to curate content without acknowledging yourself first. How are you ? you’re fine? no, how are you really ?


I am still taking time for myself and I have learned not to feel guilty about it. Unfortunately, since December, I have been wrestling with grief. Again. But we won’t go into that. The purpose of this post is to remind you to take time for yourself.
How often do you take a step back to breathe ? How often do you unplug from social media? I’ve said it often— if there is a turn up and I do not feel good mentally, I will not be there. I am a priority and will always be.


I found myself scrolling everyday absorbing garbage. & when I say garbage, I mean absorbing people’s lives that had nothing to do with me. I get tired of social media very often, so I unplug as soon as it becomes overwhelming. That Nipsey Hussle wave was the most heavy so far. As an empath, it’s exhausting reading and carrying people’s emotions in a room or even through the screen. So, I will continue to unplug as often as I want.


I deserve it.


The lovely thing about taking a break is that you get to realize a lot more about yourself. You even learn more about others. You realize that social media creates an illusion and that people will not genuinely care for you but be nosey as hell in what you have to share. Of course, like the few nosey ones reading at the moment.


You realize that there is an illusion because comments on social media are not a realistic way of showing people you love, that you actually love them. One of the most important ways that you can show love to someone else, is by giving your TIME. Taking time for yourself can allow you to realize that without social media, more than half the people who tell you that they love you, actually don’t value you enough to communicate with you outside of social media, or give you their time.
While you’re scrolling trying to keep up with everyone else’s life. Don’t forget yours. Don’t forget the one that matters the most. Don’t forget that you have one soul, and one body. There are NO do-overs.


Get sleep.
Read.
Exercise when you need to.
Breathe.
Spend time outside.
Do not spend time chasing things and people.
Find ways to not just exist, but to live.


Unplug as many times as you need to.


 Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Let's be real, How do you define YOU? : INT'L WOMEN'S DAY

I distinctly remember my experience in high school. (ALL girls high school. Ugh lol). Not only were hormones bouncing off the walls, but I was always nervous. Good Lord! Nervous about what I could do, if I could even do it and if others thought I could do it. And when I say "it", I mean anything at all. In high school the main reason I did not reach my maximum potential was because I allowed others to define me, I grasped the labels as teenage girl and carried it on my shoulders.

"Too quiet"
"Too shy"
"Too soft spoken"
"Too reserved"

None of these things were necessarily true, but I held on to them because I believed them to be. Unfortunately, it wasted my time and held me back from being the leader that I was meant to be.

If someone  told me that I would have been this great today, I would have laughed at the thought of it.

Be careful of how you allow others to define you
Now that I know better, I set boundaries don't entertain others who may think that they have the privilege to define my identity and worth. I steer away from friendships where persons feel comfortable enough to tell me what I should do. I don't ask, I just get up and go for it!

Although I shared my experience of the weaknesses that I faced in my younger years, I still find that adults are trapped in this lifestyle of needing others to tell them who they are- Trapped in friendships that do not allow them to take amazing opportunities, try exciting things, explore themselves or their environment. When you allow others to define you, it can affect your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you ever find yourself in relationships that make you feel confused about your identity, leave them immediately.

Be careful of how you define your destiny by what you THINK you are not.

Societal pressure forces us to make definitive statements over their lives--- "Well, I'm not articulate enough for that, I'm not smart enough, not thin enough. Just not enough."

What a negative way to live. Please note that negative thoughts happen to everyone, even the most self-assured. The tricky is thing is that what ever we think, is what we become. Therefore, the reason you may not be excelling at a task, is because you keep manifesting that you are not good at it. Defining yourself as having several limitations, when you are in fact limitless.

The things that  make you feel inadequate can be your teachers. What is this LACK teaching you at the moment? Perhaps, how to make the best out of your current situation before you can be elevated to the next level.

Believe completely in yourself, even when it feels like you don't know what you are doing.
Trust in your capabilities.
Tell yourself that you are smart enough, you may just need to put in the extra work.
You are CEO of your life. You define yourself, so be mindful of who you let speak things over your life, then fire and hire accordingly.

If you're reading this and realize that you have been unknowingly (or knowingly) allowing others to tell you who you should be, then its' time to wake up and live.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY!

Today I honor all women who have beaten all odds, remained strong and have continued to share their stories of how we can all succeed.
We reflect on the fact despite what we endure, we are AMBITIOUS, COURAGEOUS, RESILIENT, INSPIRING, ENTHUSIASTIC, POSITIVE and RADIANT!
Special love goes to Melodee and Deidre, who have been supportive and amazing women in my life.

Keep being a light!

You are a BADA***- Jen Sincero Taught me

Did anyone dread this past summer? Me too! For the entire summer, I worked long hours just to return home exhausted, binge The Office on Netflix with a glass of wine in hand and go straight to bed. One evening I had an idea to search #summerreads on Instagram and I stumbled upon You are a Badass: How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life-- by Jen Sincero. I'm not sure if I desperately needed to change my life or I was just curious, but I bought the book the next day. I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED! Jen Sincero was sent to remind us who the hell we are. It's so easy to forget, to doubt, to compare, to grow weary. Every time I feel an ounce of doubt I grab the book and read again.
My favorite section is Chapter 11: Your Brain is Your B***

Raw right? That's EXACTLY what I needed. No sugar coating.

This chapter reminds us that our minds are the most powerful tools that we possess. It is our very thought that creates our realities- I think, therefore I can. Author, Wallace Wattles states that "To think what you want to think is to think the truth, regardless of our appearances." How reassuring is that?! To realize that it does not matter what rut, what situation we are in at the moment, because how we perceive things or where we desire to be is our ultimate truth.

  Mind is the master power that molds and makes
And man is Mind and evermore he takes
The tool of Thought and, shaping what he wills
Brings forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills
He thinks in secret, and it comes to pas
Environment is but his looking glass.
- James Allen

We all can be given the same tools and resources to do well and yet, some might be lost on how to make it to the finish line, while others eventually get there. Why is that? It's because even if we all have the same desire to succeed and do amazing things, its a proper mindset that gets us to the finish line. Truth be told, I used to be afraid to kicka**, but then I realized that the people who truly believe in themselves, are passionate and have no limitations. They are the ones who make it far. Your thoughts shape your reality. Repeat  this every time you catch yourself slipping in what if's.

To support our reality, we should Act as if. What does that even mean? It does not exactly mean to pretend or to fabricate your life to be something it's not. It simply means that if you want something bad enough, then you'll believe it with all your heart. In this case, it's okay to fake it until you make it. Act as if it's happening right now. If you have a goal to be a doctor, get yourself a coat, a fake stethoscope if you must, and get ready for your dreams. Act as if being a doctor is your  reality at the moment. Your pockets might be saying otherwise and your grades might be screaming, but if you want it badly enough, you have to close out your circumstances and do your best to get to your destination.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK THE WAY YOU WANT TO THINK

Wheew! I cannot stress this enough! When you hang out with pessimists, whiners and freak-outers, it will be harder for you to stay positive. Personally, I dodge myself from freak-outers, because I hate to panic. You cannot think straight or make rational decisions by freaking out. I like to surround myself with level-headed, grounded persons, who can take a step-back and think clearly through a situation. Stay away from persons who limit themselves and feel comfortable with limiting you. These persons refuse to see their own potential and they will never acknowledge yours. Go out and find persons who make you feel like you can do insurmountable things.
If this post doesn’t make you feel bada*** or like you can conquer the world, I urge you to dive into Sincero’s book. You won’t regret it.


Love & Blessings 💗

L for Lessons.

My favorite character on television is Annalise Keating. She’s a real boss- incredibly brilliant, successful, manipulative, blunt, fierce and raw as ever. In the beginning of the series, she is depicted as the perfect black woman: with the dream career, family and home. It’s not long after that the real life of the perfect Annalise unravels. We learn that this bad ass attorney who seems impeccable, does not have everything figured out. 

At the beginning of my Spring Semester, I had everything mapped out to the “T". I was determined to make the President’s List again. Of course, I was prepared to do this while balancing my organization and squeeze in some time to study, do homework, be social, grind, be a girlfriend, eat, breathe.. very ambitious but it’s not impossible. 

After getting a feel of my classes and professors, it was evident that they were manageable. All except ONE. My Senior Seminar professor was the first to work my nerves on the first day of classes. After hearing all he had to say including that we will never get anywhere in life and that we were a bunch of “duma****” I was ready to pack my things and leave. This was obviously a joke that I had no time for. 

 I tried EVERY avenue to escape that class. Unfortunately, I was stuck. To make matters worse, he graded ridiculously hard and I did not receive the grade I planned for. I was even more upset because I felt like I had no more control over what the result would be. 

"You must let go, release the stress. You were never in control anyway."-Steve Maraboli. 

 If you are like me, you find it hard to “relax, release and flourish”. You get very angered when someone or something ruins what you carefully planned. This goes for every student, entrepreneur, professional and others toiling to put their craft together. Do not be stuck on things that don’t go well. There are some things that will work in your favor and others that you will learn from. Some mishaps serve as detours to something even greater. It’s so easy to forget to relax, especially when we are particular about working assiduously and reaping the best results. 

If for some reason you are faced with something heightening your anger, frustration or you have spent great time worrying about something that didn’t go “right”. This is your reminder that it will be okay. Pick yourself, dust yourself off and keep going. 

Unlearning 🌿

Being away for college has helped me to learn several things about myself. I’ve had the opportunity to become my own person without the influence of family members. Without the thoughts, opinions or suggestions of others hovering over my head. I’ve also had to unlearn several things that I thought were “normal”.
Last weekend I was blessed to spend time in the Bahamas. What a beauty 😍! That island will definitely see me again. I had a realization on December 31st 2017 that I barely take breaks. I have been trained to think that the “Superwoman Syndrome” is normal and I should overwork myself to get results while others “live their best lives” rewarding themselves for doing the bare minimum.
Unlearning Toxic Communication

For years, I never understood healthy communication. In my household, If I did not please a parent, I was given the silent treatment for days. I am admitting that this treatment was very unhealthy for me. Reasons were never given, discussions were never had. Of course, the parent would snap out of it after some days and pretended like nothing happened. Unfortunately, I took that style of communication and inflicted it on others.

I am learning as an adult that there are healthier and more intelligent ways of communicating your feelings. I am also learning to give myself enough time to process my thoughts before I say exactly what is on my mind. The goal for 2018 is to monitor my words and hurt less feelings lol.

Unlearning Being Complacent in Toxic relationships

Think of all the persons in your circle. Think of the relationships that you have with them. Are they healthy? I am a firm believer that as much as we thirst for healthy romantic relationships, we should desire the same for ideal friendships. Friendships are toxic if:

• You always have to wonder what you did wrong & it's always an emotional roller coaster
• You have to apologize all the time
• You walk on egg shells because your friend is overly sensitive
• Your feelings/ opinions are invalid 
• You only gossip with your friend(s) or you feel the need to talk down to others to feed your insecurities
• You feel that you are in competition with your friend 
• You sense that they are covetous
• You feel that you are being controlled 

In no way should I feel 'less than' in any friendship. Messy friendships are also not welcomed :). Inconsistent relationships are a complete waste of energy and time. I am no longer at the age where I am desperate to fit in with people who could care less about my well-being. Therefore, I don't concern myself with those things. More importantly, how do you grow in any relationship if you're stuck in childish ways? 

Healthy friendships boost your confidence and self-esteem. We go above and beyond for quality/ 'name brand' material things. Why then would we not want the best people in our lives?

It's important to introspect and see what needs fixing and what needs riddance. Sometimes it takes years to recognize toxic behavior. It takes courage to not only to see it but walk away from it. It can be especially hard when those behaviors have been engraved in your mind for so long. However, life is not a race & there’s no prize for those who figure things out earlier than others. You will get there.
Persons enter your life to highlight things about yourself that perhaps you have never seen. Take the time to understand & cherish what each good person in your life is there to teach you. Be realistic and don’t expect toxic behaviors to disappear as quickly as you notice them. I shared two things that I am unlearning but for you it might be different. You might be unlearning: wearing your emotions on your sleeve, attachments to certain people or harsh self-criticism. Whatever it is, you are not alone so be kind to yourself. Always, all ways be kind 💖.
Love & Light.