Take Comfort: A Tribute to Nordraka "Sonji" Williams-Burnett (Let's talk about Grief)

Another blog post was well overdue, but I had to publish it at the perfect time.

For those readers seeking recovery/ healing, welcome. For those readers here for simple understanding, welcome. We are not here to drown in hurt. We are setting a tone of gratefulness for life and celebration of what is to come.
A year ago, I received the horrible phone call while at work. I stared at my phone in confusion, because I thought I wasn’t hearing right. She had been stabbed to death.. Those words pierced straight through my heart. The pain is still inexplicable & it stings even more to know that person who did it, was someone I considered family too.

I would explain that she was a 'family friend' but that description  would not suffice. Her home was my home, and my home, hers. I have awesome childhood memories in her home. Eating chicken and rice and peas she made for me because my parents were still at work. Having her comb my hair for school. Straightening my hair for the first time. Applying my make up for my sweet sixteen. She was simply an older sister.

Anyone who knew her would say that she was extraordinary. For many, she was an Attorney, baker, fashion designer, event planner, instructor amongst other things I most likely forgot to mention. You could give her something mediocre and she would recreate it and have you in awe. To us, her family, she was just Sonji. We were so used to her awesomeness that we didn’t realize the overwhelming impact that she had made on other people's lives. And yes, she was our wonder woman, but what else could we have done to be a shoulder for her in her time of weakness?


In honor of her life, I want to share the wonderful things that she taught me:

1. Discipline 
Sonji was one of the first persons who taught me what it meant to 'be about it and not just talk about it'. I could never bring excuses to her. I had to be on time for dance practices, ready and prepared to go all out (because if we half-a** anything, she'd make us start all over lol). She immersed her heart and soul into anything to put her hands to & she set the bar for what it meant to be a dedicated and hardworking woman.

2. Perseverance 
She followed her heart and went back to school to pursue law. While in law school, not only was she pregnant, but she honored her wifely duties all while travelling four hours every weekend to teach dance classes. She was dedicated to ministry, dedicated to her family and dedicated to becoming an attorney.

3. Just BE
Like the true Gemini she was (LOL), she DID NOT care one bit if you did not like her personality. She entered a room and she was herself every single time. Always seen, always heard, theatrical, enthusiastic, energetic. She TOOK UP space. You either loved it, or you hated it. She was fearless and would challenge anyone regardless of their title. This has to be the most resounding lesson I learned from her.

For those reading this who have been affected by this loss, I hope that you take the time to  intentionally heal.  I take comfort that one day, I will see her again.

DEALING WITH GRIEF

No one truly explains to you how complex and hard grief is. In fact, I find that people get extremely uncomfortable talking about it. I’m always open to talk about the process, because you cannot simply “get over it”, nor can you make sense of it all by yourself. Let's get honest and admit that you never truly get over losing a loved one. Sometimes, you have pleasant and comforting memories, while sometimes you experience griefs in spurts. Memories can evoke emotions at any time, so allow yourself to feel and endure it. Do your best not to suppress, repress or avoid negative emotions, because it may have a psychological effect in the long run.

Keep in mind that being strong also means : feeling, grieving, crying and understanding or processing our emotions. One feeling I struggled with during this loss was resentment. However, I took time for myself this year to work through that as much as possible. Never forget that there is no one way of grieving. Your process might look different from someone else’s and we have no room to judge how happy, sad or detached someone appears. Some persons take months to find joy again & some persons take years even come to adapt to the change.

By learning to live a meaningful life, we honor the spirit of those who we have lost Loss alters your being on a soul level. It changes your perspective on the things that are important to you and it makes you more cognizant of how impactful you want your presence to be here on earth. Every loss has something to teach us: whether it is to be more present, compassionate, determined, enthusiastic about life. If we sift through our emotions and take a step back, we will understand what life is trying to teach us.

How will you honor them? Take risks! Take the trip, buy the outfit, shoot your shot. LIVE. Be obsessively grateful for every breath that you breathe. Being able to exist is a blessing in itself. Do not take living for granted. Treat your body well. You have only have one & there  are no do overs. Do not forget that you are loved, so take time to replace negative feelings with positive ones.

What ever your belief is, please hold on to it. Be comforted and remember that everyday will not be sunny, but take your own time to liberate yourself and move forward. Enjoy the simple things of life with full attention. Bask in the goodness of life. Remember that there are many persons who have experienced loss and overcame, so you have the strength to do the same. Make your days count.

Do I have space for this ?

I’m one of those persons who likes to bring as many grocery bags as I can from the car to the apartment. I clearly have an ego situation going for carrying Publix bags because even if my feeble hands are falling off, I’ll still offer to help other people with their bags too. I don’t have the strength for it, don’t have the space, yet I’m willing to strain myself to lift the burden from someone else. 

The same irony holds true to our lives. What are you making space for ? Do you even have space for it? Today, I’m cleaning my closet. I have a bad habit of hoarding, by moving over important things in my closet, to make space for those old clothes that I don’t need. 

Holding on for dear life to clothes and shoes that I have worn in over a year. 

Fortunately, I’ve taken a different approach to my own life. My life is one place I intentionally try to eradicate clutter. Your mind, body and spirit is sacred. Your temple is your responsibility. If you try to hold space for every issue, every worry & every gossip that arises, you will be burdened and have no space to hold important things for yourself. 

This goes hand in hand with self-awareness. If you don’t know who you are and what you truly care about, then you’ll easily be sucked into everyone’s lives. Time to de-clutter. 

Have you ever been that friend that everyone comes to, just to leave their emotional baggage and go ? Do you have space for that ?  

It’s okay have boundaries. It’s okay to not stretch your hands for every cry. It’s okay to value your well-being.  

I had to train my mind not to hold unnecessary space. I easily remove myself from things that could disrupt my spirit. I don’t have the space for unnecessary feelings. I have emotional intelligence, but I can’t attend to everyone’s feelings about me. It sounds harsh but if you don’t take charge of your life and your emotions, then who will ? 

If I feel like someone/something is leeching but not giving anything that’s fruitful, I remove myself because I don’t have the space. 

A temple filled with everyone else’s clutter will definitively show on the outside. It induces stress, anger and bitterness. I know everyone is planning to have a Hot-girl summer (LMAO, y’all stallions crack me up) but don’t forget to de-clutter before you do and make space for things that truly matter.

Unplug 🔌

I am not one to explain myself to others, but hopefully this post will allow someone else to remember that whatever it is that they are experiencing, they are not alone.
For those who are actually interested in my content, I have not abandoned my blog LOL. In fact, i’ve written several topics that i want to highlight. However, I needed time to get my mental state back on track.  No matter how motivated you are, you cannot continue to curate content without acknowledging yourself first. How are you ? you’re fine? no, how are you really ?


I am still taking time for myself and I have learned not to feel guilty about it. Unfortunately, since December, I have been wrestling with grief. Again. But we won’t go into that. The purpose of this post is to remind you to take time for yourself.
How often do you take a step back to breathe ? How often do you unplug from social media? I’ve said it often— if there is a turn up and I do not feel good mentally, I will not be there. I am a priority and will always be.


I found myself scrolling everyday absorbing garbage. & when I say garbage, I mean absorbing people’s lives that had nothing to do with me. I get tired of social media very often, so I unplug as soon as it becomes overwhelming. That Nipsey Hussle wave was the most heavy so far. As an empath, it’s exhausting reading and carrying people’s emotions in a room or even through the screen. So, I will continue to unplug as often as I want.


I deserve it.


The lovely thing about taking a break is that you get to realize a lot more about yourself. You even learn more about others. You realize that social media creates an illusion and that people will not genuinely care for you but be nosey as hell in what you have to share. Of course, like the few nosey ones reading at the moment.


You realize that there is an illusion because comments on social media are not a realistic way of showing people you love, that you actually love them. One of the most important ways that you can show love to someone else, is by giving your TIME. Taking time for yourself can allow you to realize that without social media, more than half the people who tell you that they love you, actually don’t value you enough to communicate with you outside of social media, or give you their time.
While you’re scrolling trying to keep up with everyone else’s life. Don’t forget yours. Don’t forget the one that matters the most. Don’t forget that you have one soul, and one body. There are NO do-overs.


Get sleep.
Read.
Exercise when you need to.
Breathe.
Spend time outside.
Do not spend time chasing things and people.
Find ways to not just exist, but to live.


Unplug as many times as you need to.


 Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Let's be real, How do you define YOU? : INT'L WOMEN'S DAY

I distinctly remember my experience in high school. (ALL girls high school. Ugh lol). Not only were hormones bouncing off the walls, but I was always nervous. Good Lord! Nervous about what I could do, if I could even do it and if others thought I could do it. And when I say "it", I mean anything at all. In high school the main reason I did not reach my maximum potential was because I allowed others to define me, I grasped the labels as teenage girl and carried it on my shoulders.

"Too quiet"
"Too shy"
"Too soft spoken"
"Too reserved"

None of these things were necessarily true, but I held on to them because I believed them to be. Unfortunately, it wasted my time and held me back from being the leader that I was meant to be.

If someone  told me that I would have been this great today, I would have laughed at the thought of it.

Be careful of how you allow others to define you
Now that I know better, I set boundaries don't entertain others who may think that they have the privilege to define my identity and worth. I steer away from friendships where persons feel comfortable enough to tell me what I should do. I don't ask, I just get up and go for it!

Although I shared my experience of the weaknesses that I faced in my younger years, I still find that adults are trapped in this lifestyle of needing others to tell them who they are- Trapped in friendships that do not allow them to take amazing opportunities, try exciting things, explore themselves or their environment. When you allow others to define you, it can affect your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you ever find yourself in relationships that make you feel confused about your identity, leave them immediately.

Be careful of how you define your destiny by what you THINK you are not.

Societal pressure forces us to make definitive statements over their lives--- "Well, I'm not articulate enough for that, I'm not smart enough, not thin enough. Just not enough."

What a negative way to live. Please note that negative thoughts happen to everyone, even the most self-assured. The tricky is thing is that what ever we think, is what we become. Therefore, the reason you may not be excelling at a task, is because you keep manifesting that you are not good at it. Defining yourself as having several limitations, when you are in fact limitless.

The things that  make you feel inadequate can be your teachers. What is this LACK teaching you at the moment? Perhaps, how to make the best out of your current situation before you can be elevated to the next level.

Believe completely in yourself, even when it feels like you don't know what you are doing.
Trust in your capabilities.
Tell yourself that you are smart enough, you may just need to put in the extra work.
You are CEO of your life. You define yourself, so be mindful of who you let speak things over your life, then fire and hire accordingly.

If you're reading this and realize that you have been unknowingly (or knowingly) allowing others to tell you who you should be, then its' time to wake up and live.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY!

Today I honor all women who have beaten all odds, remained strong and have continued to share their stories of how we can all succeed.
We reflect on the fact despite what we endure, we are AMBITIOUS, COURAGEOUS, RESILIENT, INSPIRING, ENTHUSIASTIC, POSITIVE and RADIANT!
Special love goes to Melodee and Deidre, who have been supportive and amazing women in my life.

Keep being a light!