L for Lessons.

My favorite character on television is Annalise Keating. She’s a real boss- incredibly brilliant, successful, manipulative, blunt, fierce and raw as ever. In the beginning of the series, she is depicted as the perfect black woman: with the dream career, family and home. It’s not long after that the real life of the perfect Annalise unravels. We learn that this bad ass attorney who seems impeccable, does not have everything figured out. 

At the beginning of my Spring Semester, I had everything mapped out to the “T". I was determined to make the President’s List again. Of course, I was prepared to do this while balancing my organization and squeeze in some time to study, do homework, be social, grind, be a girlfriend, eat, breathe.. very ambitious but it’s not impossible. 

After getting a feel of my classes and professors, it was evident that they were manageable. All except ONE. My Senior Seminar professor was the first to work my nerves on the first day of classes. After hearing all he had to say including that we will never get anywhere in life and that we were a bunch of “duma****” I was ready to pack my things and leave. This was obviously a joke that I had no time for. 

 I tried EVERY avenue to escape that class. Unfortunately, I was stuck. To make matters worse, he graded ridiculously hard and I did not receive the grade I planned for. I was even more upset because I felt like I had no more control over what the result would be. 

"You must let go, release the stress. You were never in control anyway."-Steve Maraboli. 

 If you are like me, you find it hard to “relax, release and flourish”. You get very angered when someone or something ruins what you carefully planned. This goes for every student, entrepreneur, professional and others toiling to put their craft together. Do not be stuck on things that don’t go well. There are some things that will work in your favor and others that you will learn from. Some mishaps serve as detours to something even greater. It’s so easy to forget to relax, especially when we are particular about working assiduously and reaping the best results. 

If for some reason you are faced with something heightening your anger, frustration or you have spent great time worrying about something that didn’t go “right”. This is your reminder that it will be okay. Pick yourself, dust yourself off and keep going. 

Unlearning 🌿

Being away for college has helped me to learn several things about myself. I’ve had the opportunity to become my own person without the influence of family members. Without the thoughts, opinions or suggestions of others hovering over my head. I’ve also had to unlearn several things that I thought were “normal”.
Last weekend I was blessed to spend time in the Bahamas. What a beauty 😍! That island will definitely see me again. I had a realization on December 31st 2017 that I barely take breaks. I have been trained to think that the “Superwoman Syndrome” is normal and I should overwork myself to get results while others “live their best lives” rewarding themselves for doing the bare minimum.
Unlearning Toxic Communication

For years, I never understood healthy communication. In my household, If I did not please a parent, I was given the silent treatment for days. I am admitting that this treatment was very unhealthy for me. Reasons were never given, discussions were never had. Of course, the parent would snap out of it after some days and pretended like nothing happened. Unfortunately, I took that style of communication and inflicted it on others.

I am learning as an adult that there are healthier and more intelligent ways of communicating your feelings. I am also learning to give myself enough time to process my thoughts before I say exactly what is on my mind. The goal for 2018 is to monitor my words and hurt less feelings lol.

Unlearning Being Complacent in Toxic relationships

Think of all the persons in your circle. Think of the relationships that you have with them. Are they healthy? I am a firm believer that as much as we thirst for healthy romantic relationships, we should desire the same for ideal friendships. Friendships are toxic if:

• You always have to wonder what you did wrong & it's always an emotional roller coaster
• You have to apologize all the time
• You walk on egg shells because your friend is overly sensitive
• Your feelings/ opinions are invalid 
• You only gossip with your friend(s) or you feel the need to talk down to others to feed your insecurities
• You feel that you are in competition with your friend 
• You sense that they are covetous
• You feel that you are being controlled 

In no way should I feel 'less than' in any friendship. Messy friendships are also not welcomed :). Inconsistent relationships are a complete waste of energy and time. I am no longer at the age where I am desperate to fit in with people who could care less about my well-being. Therefore, I don't concern myself with those things. More importantly, how do you grow in any relationship if you're stuck in childish ways? 

Healthy friendships boost your confidence and self-esteem. We go above and beyond for quality/ 'name brand' material things. Why then would we not want the best people in our lives?

It's important to introspect and see what needs fixing and what needs riddance. Sometimes it takes years to recognize toxic behavior. It takes courage to not only to see it but walk away from it. It can be especially hard when those behaviors have been engraved in your mind for so long. However, life is not a race & there’s no prize for those who figure things out earlier than others. You will get there.
Persons enter your life to highlight things about yourself that perhaps you have never seen. Take the time to understand & cherish what each good person in your life is there to teach you. Be realistic and don’t expect toxic behaviors to disappear as quickly as you notice them. I shared two things that I am unlearning but for you it might be different. You might be unlearning: wearing your emotions on your sleeve, attachments to certain people or harsh self-criticism. Whatever it is, you are not alone so be kind to yourself. Always, all ways be kind 💖.
Love & Light.

FA(i)LLING FORWARD: A Mindset

2017, as I would always say, was "a WHOLE joke". This gif was me everyday this year. Yes, I'm exaggerating because I had triumphs, but lawwwd some days of this year made no kind of sense. I am so happy that I started this semester with much enthusiasm, because It has given me sufficient encouragement. Yes, I love to motivate my readers, but.. what happens if things don't go exactly as planned? What happens if you try, try, TRY again, but you .. FAIL. Yes, I don't believe in claiming L's, but this blog is about transparency, so take a breath and Relax. You will try, and you might fail, but It is okay.

I listen to the Podcast "Cool Soror" with Rashan Ali. It refreshes every single time! I learned from an interview with Dr.Kimberly Manning that you can have a Fixed Mindset or a Growth Mindset. The Growth Mindset is where even if you fail and things don't go perfectly, you look at everything as an opportunity & it's potential. A Fixed Mindset is that your success becomes defining of who you are & so when you fail, you unravel. I wasn't exactly instilled with a Growth Mindset, because My mother didn't always given room for failure. I had to instill that mindset in myself while in college, reminding myself that if i didn't win, it was okay, because eventually, I would.  I've learned to praise myself for the efforts I've made

1. Put it rest and try another day

Overworking and overthinking does not make it better. If it's not going as planned, it's okay to stop, relax and try again another time. 

2. Don't be afraid to ask for help

If you have a spirit of independence like I do, asking for help will be your last resort. However, sometimes it is better to ask for help from someone with experience, than to be clueless and make the same mistakes more than once.

3. Fear of Failure:

Some of us, truthfully speaking, just cant afford to fail. Literally. If you had all the money in the world, you probably wouldn't make the extra effort that you make now. That should give you enough motivation to go the extra mile and persevere through every obstacle that presents itself. While everyone is up to other things, it is up to you to stay up and burn the midnight oil. How bad do you want it ? 

"The heights of great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they while their companion slept, were toiling, working, through the night" 

Furthermore, fear and faith can't remain in the same place. Sometimes it gets the best of us who are hopeful in our plans for the future but it is important that we learn to trust the process. Think of all the times you thought it didn't work out and it did ! Don't let that F word hold you back. 

4. Learn from it

I could write a book about all the lessons of my collegiate years. I didn't have it all together all the time, but I learned from each mistake that helped to build my work ethic. I became more prepared, more mature & I worked harder. There is a lesson in every situation, no matter how minuscule it may appear. "That didn't go as planned.. but what should I do next time ? How can I do it better ?"



5. Don't let failure crush your self-esteem

You are not defeated! Give yourself time to process things but don't be too hard on yourself. Remind yourself that you are capable to do much more than you cqn ever imagine & as Dr. Kimberly Manning said from the podcast, commend yourself for all efforts you've made. There are many who have not had the opportunity to get this far, so be proud of yourself ! 

How to Stay Motivated

The video above is definitely my anthem for the year. I listen to it every morning to get me started off to a productive day & to get me ready for taking W's. (The only L's we take around here are lessons.) If you haven't heard it before, go ahead and enjoy. You're welcome.

I am in my final year of college and Lord knows I don't know where the time went. When I came here as a freshman, the only thing I was worried about was finding my way to Target (LOL), now here I am being an adult, preparing for my whole life after Undergrad. How did I even get here? Four years of being on my own away from my family took more than just "being an adult", it took a lot of motivation. It took countless self-affirmations, because while everyone else could go home to their parents after a bad week, I could not. I had to be pick up myself and push through.

Staying Motivated:

1. Thoughts, become things



To say that I don't get de-motivated sometimes and have my moments, would be unrealistic. I worry like everyone else, I panic and I have my moments where I tell myself that it won't work. I give myself some time to have my moment (in private), but I do not dwell on negative thoughts. I try to master the art of controlling my emotions, even when things do not go my way. Self-affirmation is always, ALWAYS helpful. Remind yourself that you are much more capable than you believe and make it a habit to be your biggest cheerleader. Let your positive thoughts outweigh your negatives, because there is always something promising to look forward to.

2. Be cognizant of your circle



Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says, "You are an average of the five people you spend the most time with". In some cases, this might not be true, because you can come from a place of traditional set backs, but still rise out of it and be successful. However, the kind of persons you spend time with can make an impact on the 'way that you think, your self-esteem and your decisions'. (A. Groth). It's not if your circle is motivating you, it's WHAT your circle is motivating you to do. They can either motivate you to be messy or they can motivate you to stay on top. They can motivate you to hateful and bitter or they can motivate you to clap for others. My personal preference is a circle of women who are not easily intimidated. They know that there is room for every woman to win. I prefer a circle that is about their business or one that is constantly improving. That kind of attitude will motivate me to do the same.

3. Find others who inspire you



Whether it is someone you know personally, or someone you only know through social media, find persons who inspire you in the areas that you're most interested in. For those who have entrepreneurial minds, find boss-like people who you admire and can learn from. These are the people that prove that the things that you aspire to do, can be done.



4. PUT IN THE WORK



Those successful persons who started from the bottom and have gotten to where they are now, are there because they have put in the work. There are a billion and one books of excuses but you cannot afford to get comfortable with being incompetent. Where you are now does not have to be exactly where you want to be, but you must put in the action in order to go forward. We cannot only pray for something and expect God to do the rest. His part of the deal is already done. It's for us to do the work, even when we don't feel like it.



5. Be good to yourself and find time to relax



This one can be hard for persons like me, who are always on the go. (What is life lol). Nevertheless, its important to dedicate some time to unwind. Your body needs time to rest, relax or de-stress, in order for you to give your best physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. We know what all work and no play does to Jack.

I hope that you see yourself as a winner everyday. If you don't feel that way at the moment, I hope the small accomplishments that you make remind you that you're a champion. I hope you stay motivated because you taking the time to read my blog is great motivation for me, so Thank you.

Love and light.

Dodging Dreamcrushers 🙅🏽

In the middle of my "me time", my nail tech started up a conversation. He had questions about my year, my major, where I'm from- nothing new, I'm used to it. I went into that building charged and ready for the day, only to receive bad vibes from someone I don't even know. This man asked me my plans only to try & convince me over & over that they would not work. Luckily, I defended myself & many others who have had to face people like that. 

"If you can't beat fear, just do it scared"

Leading up to my senior year, I've had to block myself from "dreamcrushers". Negative comments, pessimistic remarks, & uncertainty are things that are never needed in your ear. Firstly, ensure that you aren't a dream crusher of your own dreams. Putting yourself down will only give permission for others to do the same. Secondly, have a positive and encouraging circle. Keep distance from those try to make you feel unsure of yourself or less than you are. If it doesn't encourage you to do better, then you don't need to absorb it.

Persons will tell you that you cannot do something, simply because they cannot do it themselves. People will plant fear in you in hopes that you don't go after what you want with the diligence that they wish they had. Regardless, be confident in your abilities & let your whatever you're passionate about, drive you to do what others think to be impossible. Let these words penetrate every time you hear something negative. Remain consistent, persistent and remember that hard work & positivity will get you further in life, than "what ifs" ever will. 

🌸

Yes, I'm Intentional 🏆

When Olympic gold medalist, Simone Biles was critiqued by judges for not smiling after being complimented, her answer was, "Smiling doesn't win you gold medals". Who are we to tell a successful Olympian about winning? 💁🏽 Gon' head girl! Of course, twitter had a grand time with their reactions. 

While she was being critiqued on not smiling, she chose not to smile--- intentionally.  She knew exactly what she was doing & why. No one had to tell her to do it another way. 

This Spring semester was perhaps the most difficult. I had to learn that I couldn't "wing it" or reign the queen of procrastination anymore. I had to have a sense of structure & organization. Although I survived at the expense of many things, the fact is: I excelled. 

"We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be ? - Marianne Williamson.

At the beginning of the semester, I promised to make a vision board. That board was never bought and those pictures were never printed 😩 LOL. However, I kept all those goals in the back of my mind. When I found the pictures, I really had to ask what this introverted person was really doing. Every doubt & and critique about my personality that was ever made resurfaced my mind. But then I remembered that there was potential in me that I have never shown in college and so I blocked my ears, closed my eyes, got my mind in gear and went full speed. I organized almost everyday what I had to do and where I had to go. Many assignments were missed *tears* and some nights I didn't rest my head but I knew I had to make it to the finish line. Busted knees, bruises, parched and all. It was in my intention to give it all I had. 

"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you"- Marianne Williamson.

This time around was not about me standing in the background as I usually do, to let others bask in the moment. I have my slice of humble pie each day, but I had to learn to not play small in order to let others feel "bigger" or "more comfortable" around me. This meant: no more shrinking. Always learn that not shrinking, is okay. If you lose friends because you stop shrinking, then they were never your friends to begin with. Those who genuinely love you, will always root for you 💕. 

Let no one advise you into thinking that whatever you set your mind to is too big. Be intentional in how you live your life every single day. The days of going with the flow don't serve purpose to people who have business to take care of. Remember that it is okay if others do not understand what you are doing, because it is never for them to understand. This is your personal journey and you need not explain every plan. Most importantly, remember to trust the process even if it's not going as planned, be open to learn from others who have gone before you and realize that you can only be intentional because you serve an Intentional God. 

Go out there and conquer ! 🌸

Secure.

Seeing that absolutely no woman is perfect, it is in our nature to be insecure, competitive, even attention seekers. I've never been a competitive woman, but perhaps if I had that attribute, I would have pushed for goals way more. However, I do think its so very important to stand secure as a female, because when you are secure in yourself, you are not easily led, neither are you easily moved by every negative thing that is said about you. You are not easily distracted.

What I would wish for is that we get rid of the Spirit of Proving. Proving that we good enough, smart enough, capable enough. People have the spirit of proving because they are unsure of themselves and they need validation from others. If you are sure of yourself, then what do you have to prove?

How about we address the attributes of a secure woman?
A secure woman doesn't feel the desire to fit in
She is not afraid of her purpose
She admits her flaws and is always open to working on them
She listens
She does not need an entourage and is empowered by going out on her own
She does not take things personally, because she knows that she cannot control other people's emotions.
A secure woman applauds and uplifts others, because she knows that recognizing someone else's beauty, will not dim her own shine

Every woman is a work in progress. Each day is a new chance to create and sculpt ourselves in what we want it to be. Always strive to let your abilities naturally speak for themselves, without going out of your way to prove yourself to others. The only validation you'll need is your own. Walk in your own truth and live a life the way YOU see it fit.