For those readers seeking recovery/ healing, welcome. For those readers here for simple understanding, welcome. We are not here to drown in hurt. We are setting a tone of gratefulness for life and celebration of what is to come.
A year ago, I received the horrible phone call while at work. I stared at my phone in confusion, because I thought I wasn’t hearing right. She had been stabbed to death.. Those words pierced straight through my heart. The pain is still inexplicable & it stings even more to know that person who did it, was someone I considered family too.
Anyone who knew her would say that she was extraordinary. For many, she was an Attorney, baker, fashion designer, event planner, instructor amongst other things I most likely forgot to mention. You could give her something mediocre and she would recreate it and have you in awe. To us, her family, she was just Sonji. We were so used to her awesomeness that we didn’t realize the overwhelming impact that she had made on other people's lives. And yes, she was our wonder woman, but what else could we have done to be a shoulder for her in her time of weakness?
In honor of her life, I want to share the wonderful things that she taught me:
1. Discipline
Sonji was one of the first persons who taught me what it meant to 'be about it and not just talk about it'. I could never bring excuses to her. I had to be on time for dance practices, ready and prepared to go all out (because if we half-a** anything, she'd make us start all over lol). She immersed her heart and soul into anything to put her hands to & she set the bar for what it meant to be a dedicated and hardworking woman.
2. Perseverance
She followed her heart and went back to school to pursue law. While in law school, not only was she pregnant, but she honored her wifely duties all while travelling four hours every weekend to teach dance classes. She was dedicated to ministry, dedicated to her family and dedicated to becoming an attorney.
3. Just BE
Like the true Gemini she was (LOL), she DID NOT care one bit if you did not like her personality. She entered a room and she was herself every single time. Always seen, always heard, theatrical, enthusiastic, energetic. She TOOK UP space. You either loved it, or you hated it. She was fearless and would challenge anyone regardless of their title. This has to be the most resounding lesson I learned from her.
For those reading this who have been affected by this loss, I hope that you take the time to intentionally heal. I take comfort that one day, I will see her again.
DEALING WITH GRIEF
No one truly explains to you how complex and hard grief is. In fact, I find that people get extremely uncomfortable talking about it. I’m always open to talk about the process, because you cannot simply “get over it”, nor can you make sense of it all by yourself. Let's get honest and admit that you never truly get over losing a loved one. Sometimes, you have pleasant and comforting memories, while sometimes you experience griefs in spurts. Memories can evoke emotions at any time, so allow yourself to feel and endure it. Do your best not to suppress, repress or avoid negative emotions, because it may have a psychological effect in the long run.
Keep in mind that being strong also means : feeling, grieving, crying and understanding or processing our emotions. One feeling I struggled with during this loss was resentment. However, I took time for myself this year to work through that as much as possible. Never forget that there is no one way of grieving. Your process might look different from someone else’s and we have no room to judge how happy, sad or detached someone appears. Some persons take months to find joy again & some persons take years even come to adapt to the change.
By learning to live a meaningful life, we honor the spirit of those who we have lost Loss alters your being on a soul level. It changes your perspective on the things that are important to you and it makes you more cognizant of how impactful you want your presence to be here on earth. Every loss has something to teach us: whether it is to be more present, compassionate, determined, enthusiastic about life. If we sift through our emotions and take a step back, we will understand what life is trying to teach us.
How will you honor them? Take risks! Take the trip, buy the outfit, shoot your shot. LIVE. Be obsessively grateful for every breath that you breathe. Being able to exist is a blessing in itself. Do not take living for granted. Treat your body well. You have only have one & there are no do overs. Do not forget that you are loved, so take time to replace negative feelings with positive ones.
What ever your belief is, please hold on to it. Be comforted and remember that everyday will not be sunny, but take your own time to liberate yourself and move forward. Enjoy the simple things of life with full attention. Bask in the goodness of life. Remember that there are many persons who have experienced loss and overcame, so you have the strength to do the same. Make your days count.
